An ocean has passed underneath this digital bridge of bytes since I last wrote any of the rambling incoherent thoughts that spark around in my brain. My life has been turned upside-down. What was once laziness and blissful inactivity has been transformed into smothering activity and responsibility. But that is fine by me.

The refining fire of my God's molding is painful and awkward. It leaves nothing left as it was. It reveals those things which I thought most sure to be whisping shadows of the truth. The wall that I was is now being, brick by painful brick, taken apart.

And I welcome it.

The thought occurred to me last night as I was entrenched in a four hour long bible study that nothing of which I hold on to most dearly is my own. I owe it all to another, namely God. As I saw a member of the study, who I have thought to be full of potential but not living up to it, take hold what was being discussed, where we find our satisfaction and if we are even satisfied at all, and turn it upon us all as a call toward accountability and change. The desire for personal holiness was one that was finally grasped at some measure last night. And none of it was my doing. I have tried to be diligent in my time spent pouring into the guys, but I feel as if I have failed so far in being a true discipler. I know God has given me the ability and desire to teach the word, but the human connection is one that I let slip by so many times. And I was feeling so last night, but then God moved. Or should I rather put it God moved us. Moved us to desire the close spiritual bond between brothers who want to be real with themselves and with others. I count myself privilaged to be used by the Lord to accomplish his goals.

On a completely different note: It's a fine line I tread between reality and emotive expression on this page. Bare facts are too bland and pure sensationalism is just a cover to make up things that never occured or were felt. I feel what I have done is to find a way to express the feelings of a moment on virtual paper. Extending periods of time that took seconds but felt like eternity and shortening eons that went by with the blink of an eye. It is one of the most profound things I have found, to be totally consumed in a moment. To where time slows to a stand still and everything you feel is deeper and broader and more expansive than you ever thought imaginable. The rest of the world may continue to move at its sickeningly fast pace, but you have been caught up past and above it to catch a glimpse of things as you've never seen them before. I've never been one to base my beliefs or convictions off of a moments emotion, but it is in those times where I frequently find myself at the feet of the Lord. In a moment I am taken from my feet to my knees pouring out my heart to Him. Maybe tears arise from joy, maybe from sorrow. Maybe they don't come at all. Maybe I am just still and silent before the author of my story. There is no formula, no twelve-step plan to this, it can only come from a deep desire for something transcendent beyond yourself and in searching for it finding Him standing and waiting. "Be still and know that I am God" It is there, in that moment, in the presence of the holy, that creation is made as complete as it will be this side of eternity.

But for everything there is a time and to try and grab hold of this and make it last forever is the worst thing that you can do. You become a junkie of emotional experience. You desire the feeling over the meaning of and for it. You become the worshiped one instead of He who is the only one to be worshiped. You whore yourself out to anything and everything that will make you feel this way. Your perception of God and when He is speaking and moving becomes distorted and you can no longer hear Him because you are trying to. It it no longer about Him, but about you.

And that is the greatest evil of this age...
We have made ourselves god...
and he is dead...
where does that leave us?

This semester is going to be different, I can feel it.

There is a certain feel in the air. An expectancy of something like I have not felt before. Perhaps because it is my last year and I am placing more weight on truly living life to the fullest, or maybe because God is doing something new in my life. I tend to believe it is both.

It's the calm before the storm. When the storm will come or what it is going to bring is a complete mystery to me, but I must stand firm and not be moved by the winds that will try to blow me down.

I wish I could write more, but time is wearing down and I have much to do tomorrow. I will not forget the feeling, never let it slip through my fingers.

Oh how quickly a day can go by and how little one can get done. I did two main things today: eat lunch and watch a football game. Where the rest of the day went I can't remember. Somewhere along the line tv and this computer sucked most of it up I'm sure. How depressing.

I've got to do something with myself. I need to get a job, go to class, walk outside... something. I spent the whole summer doing stuff and now I'm sitting around doing nothing. All this free time is bothering me. Ok, maybe it's not the free time, maybe it's the way I'm spending that free time. There's got to be something more productive to do with myself than what I have done already.

I miss the mountains. Land here is too flat. It's too hot. It's too... I'm such a whinner sometimes. Why I can't be content in where I am is a question I ask myself all the time.

I think my attention span has gotten drastically shorter recently. These disjointed three sentence paragraphs are an example. Oh well.

Maybe later I'll do something about it.

maybe not

and a good time was had by all.

I spent this evening in Orlando. On the agenda for the night was the Denison Marrs cd release party. What happened in addition to that was what made the night really special. Not only did I get into the show for $10, but that got me the cd as well, plus I had dinner at mike graham's house, and then second dinner at mike golin's. Yeah! That's right, two home cooked meals in one night. What more could one ask for you say? How about spending an hour in the hot tub with scented beads? Check.

So I've gotten 3 great albums in 2 days. Blindside's debut release on Electra; Silence, The Juliana Theory's third LP; Love, and now the new Denison Marrs; Then is the New Now. So much rock, so little time.

I've also got to find a job. That sucks. But you know, bills gotta get paid. So if anyone knows of something let me know.

off to the comfort of my warm and soft bed. ahh.....

so it's 4am and I am still awake? Why is that? Well it might have to do with the fact that I fell asleep during the movie tonight for about half an hour so I'm not feeling tired. That kinda sucks though 'cause come tomorrow and I'll be feeling like crap. I could just sleep until I naturally wake up, however I feel like that would just start a bad precendent for the semester. There's always the job applications sitting next to me that I could fill out or I could just be unproductive and just type for now.

It's hard to come off of a summer of my schedule being made for me and then having to do it all on my own.

I never thought I could miss someone more, but I do now
I never thought I could feel so terrible about myself, but I do now

Late nights combined with an introspective spirit and personal faults is a volatile mix. I find it is much easier to hate parts of yourself than to love the whole. These words, penned by Christian Lindskog, speak my heart: "but I know, as I hammered those nails into your beautiful hands/ your eyes still try to search for mine, but I look away/ now your eyes are the only thing that can save me/ I'm still so afraid of them piercing/ you're breaking into my prison"

and so the school year begins. I believe it to be full of promise and blessing, but I must be faithful. Be faithful and true and pure. No blemish should be found on this sacrifice.

five...


four...

and it's only three days until I am back in Gainesville. As things wind down here in New Hampshire they begin to speed up in Florida. I must say that it has been an incredible summer. I have seen so many beautiful things. Mountains, lakes, ocean, wildlife, stars, metors, and on and on it could go. But I could say that it has been an amazing summer even if I had not experienced all that.

Tuesday morning I woke up at 3:30am to drive to the top of Cadillac Mt. in Acadia National Park. This is the tallest point on the Atlantic coast and the spot where you catch the first rays of sun striking the US. While I stood there for over an hour waiting for the sun to arise, the sky slowing brightening, stars slowly fading, and the mist and fog slowly peeling back from the islands below me, God spoke. Everything was in slow motion that morning and as I was reading scripture (Genesis 1) a thought came to me. "What is a year of your life?" This thought was so far out from anything I have ever thought that I know it was from the Lord. I cannot say that I have ever felt something more sure in my life (maybe when I knew I should go on summer project to Argentina). It was one of those Elijah moments where God spoke in the still small breeze. That question answered something that has had me worried for a long time; What am I going to do with myself after I graduate? I had thought about interning with Crusade for a year or just going out and getting a so called "real job". This was God's call for me to follow him. What is a year? And if that is where he wants me, what is a lifetime? I can't not obey.

I'm writting this for my own benefit as much as others. Many may wonder, 'who cares about that Graham', but I need a reminder. This is not going to be easy. I must have faith and perseverence. I must have the help of those around me. I must have Jesus.

Thanks for all who have persevered with me this summer. I know you have not read much, but there's a new school year coming up. I'm sure there will be plenty of crazy things to write about.

Peace.

The summer has absolutely flown by. I can't believe that I am looking at just a week and a half until I set foot once again in that lovely North Florida town of Gainesville. The two months that I have been here in New Hampshire have seemed like only a week or so. It's not as if I've hiked over a hundred miles, over nearly twenty mountains, and witnessed some of the most breathtaking views that I have ever seen. I guess it has just come down to that point in the summer when you start to analyze how it's all gone. You're not quite done yet, but you're winding down, unconciously cutting ties and getting yourself ready to move on. I have slowly been moving from camp mode into school mode. This is natural, but sometimes not the most beneficial when it comes to relationships. So it's been a little tough as far as that goes. But I am ready for school. I never thought that I would ever say that, but I am looking forward to getting back to Gville. I think it has more to do with the people there and not the academics, but what are you going to do. And yeah I just noticed that I have used the word 'but' in four of the last five sentences. What are you going to do about it?

So, it will take me a while to be able to process all that has happened this summer. I'll need some time alone just to sit and think. Do the whole instant replay thing with my life, just with out the near dying part. A few lines here might quickly and broadly summarize it.

So take me as I am
I've nothing left to give
it's all be sacrificed for your all surpassing gift
The only thing I need
the one thing I desire
is Jesus
Jesus

I've nothing really left to say. Maybe something deep and insightful will come to me later, only to be forgotten before I ever write it down. Who knows.

He stood there with his whole body trembling. Alone in front of hundreds his eyes were clenched shut on the verge of tears. Any thought to any thing beyond the black void of those eyes had long since disappeared. As his voice cracked with the repetitious melody and heartfelt words it was as if years were lifted from those shoulders. And somewhere a wall fell. The wire and wood that hung from him seemed like a fifth limb, an extention that was not so much something to be worked as something that was to be released to work, to form it's own beauty. He was lost and did not fear it. He was weak and did not fight it. He was small and did not feign height. For a perfect second he was perfectly content. I could stay there forever. And as it faded he knew it would not return. It's time had come and gone. It had served it's purpose. To try and take more would rape it's purity. It stung, but only with the thought that time should always be like this. Something was not right. Something was not as it should be. This was how it was always supposed to be and it was not. The memory would remain, but the reality would fade. Sometime the redemption would come, but this was not it. The pleasure, pain, sorrow, and joy flowed out in one tear. The burning drop made it's course down his face and fell to the ground. It disappeared into the dry ground as if soaked up to be returned to where it came from. And all was left was the smile written in quivering muscles. And that was enough.

It's been a while since I could write here in this place... it's been a while... ACK! Don't ever sing Staind again, Graham.

To go into detail about what has happened to me in the last few weeks would be too hard of a task to undertake. So I will make it short and sweet.

God is doing incredible things here at camp. The staff has not ceased to amaze me with their love and devotion to spreading God's Word to the campers. It will be very interesting to see how the summer pans out. I can only see great things from where I am now.

So I've spent the past several days in a small cabin in the middle of camp with windows only on one side of the buiding planning trips for the next two weeks. The "Trip Locker" as it is so named is a small shack in the middle of camp that houses our, we being the trip leaders, office, if you could call it that. It's more like a command post. We plan and prep here and it is also where all the camp's hiking gear is stowed. What can I say, it's a rough job having to hike in the gorgeous White Mountain National Forest all summer. But hey, somebody's got to do it.

And as such is camp, I am being drawn away by another activity. No rest for the weary.

I am half a world away from where I began.

Right now I am sitting here on the porch of my girlfriend's aunt's house with a sandwich next to me and the cool Maine breeze blowing quietly outside. Sixteen hundred miles separate me from the start of my long trip and what seems like years in time. Driving for that long of a distance gives you a large amount of time to think. As the unending miles passed underneath and pavement and yellow lines faded into the horizon the mind can zone out into its own little world.

The question kept being asked... 'so what are you going to do with yourself when you graduate?'
Everywhere I stopped people asked that. And ever time the answer was the same... 'I have no idea.'

Am I really ready to be a counselor this summer? Do I have everything in order? Am I spiritually strong enough to be the rock many of these kids need? Will I fool everyone there as well as I have fooled those elsewhere?

Will her embrace be as sweet as I am making myself believe it will be? Will her kiss still be as deep?

The questions continued and I couldn't write them all even if I wished. I can't say that I came up with any answers but it was refreshing to have time to do that kind of thinking, not bothering my mind with work, conversation, tv, etc. Almost like liquid plumer for my head.

I actually can answer one question. It is as deep.

no time to type. I leave in 6 hours to start the drive. posts will be intermitten but should have tons of really cool stuff. peace

it is finished

trip planning part 1: Put my crap in bags
trip planning part 2: Put bags in car
trip planning part 3: Pray, pray, pray that many long hours in the car alone with my sister does not drive me absolutely insane.

Driving up the east coast from Florida to Maine with my sister is going to be an interesting time. It's not that we don't get along, we do, but if we don't kill each other by the end of the trip it will soley be by the grace of God. We used to do this thing as a family years ago. Mom and Dad would take turns driving while Stephanie and I would be in the back of our Chevy Cavalier station wagon, seat folded down, playing. The parents would spread an egg crate matress over the back and we could sleep, play, or whatever else came into our small little heads. They would be up front driving on and off, no stopping anywhere for this train, straight shot from Orlando to Centerport, Long Island. A trip of approximately 24 hours.

The memories of years of cross country family travels bring a warm smile to my face... sometimes. Of course being small children the smallest slight by one or the other could erupt into fights of mythic proportions. So what was the elders solution to this, and here is where I think some of my personal problems come from, they doped us up. That is correct, they would give us dramamine to make us sleep. Instead of constructively dealing with issues they resorted to drugs. Ah the memories associated with that... "NO! I don't want to take the bye-bye medicine!" Oh how I fought its soothing effects. As the neural transmitters in my brain were blocked and synaptic activity slowed I fought, with all the remaining strength I had, I fought. I distinctly remember a time sitting in the front seat with my eyes held open staring into the dark of night before us using every ounce of my being to be stronger than the drugs. I prevailed. Mind over matter. I conquered the beast. However, when daylight came I crashed for about 14 hours.

Last year I did this with my dad and we straight shot from Gainesville to Dover, NH in just over 21 hours. It was some of the most impressive marathon driving I've been involved in. We'll see how this year pans out. There are some family stops on the way so that'll slow us down considerably, but it'll be nice to get free food and beds.

only 5 days...

water dripping on my forehead and I can't taste it. That's what it is like.

She called from a public phone last night with a line of people behind her waiting for their turn. I hadn't heard her voice for going on 4 days and all I got was 10 minutes.

it was the shortest 10 minutes of my life.

ok, I'll admit that I may be obssesivly single minded right now. But since I have nothing better to think about what is there left to do. My job is not intellectually challenging, I just sit and answer the phone all day, and nothing interesting is going on at home. So where does that leave me? With a lot of free time to dwell on her.

but that soon will change
every second that passes brings her closer
could this time pass any slower
knowing I'll see her come next wednesday
yet it seemes like a world away

if you didn't get that last little bit it's ok, maybe you'll figure it out.

It's funny, or perhaps sad, how life comes to a screaching halt when the microwave dies (notice the smooth transition away from vulnerabilty). As I stood in front of the blank black panel in front of me, its face unresponsive to my touch, it made me realize how dependent I am. I need what I need right when I need it. The microwave is the physical vestment of my desire for instant gratification. It's death shatters my dreams of living in the perfect world (some dreams, eh?).

Well, that was particularly pointless so yeah...

She. Her. Girl. Mine.

I can’t get her out of my mind. As clichéd as that is, it is the truth. And it is killing me

The reaction is always the same:

Person: “I didn’t know you had a girlfriend.”
Me: “Yeah, she lives in Maine.”
Person: “For real?”
Me: “Yeah”
Person: “Oh… I’m sorry.”

I have gone for almost three months without seeing her. That is more than one should be allowed to bear.

It hasn’t always been this bad. I have this innate ability to catalogue and prioritize all the crazy things floating around in my head. This means that for the most part I have relegated the long distance relationship to the back of the pack. Not her, just the fact that the distance is there. I look at it as just a natural part of this relationship. It’s as natural as my overly critical view of myself sometimes. That’s just the way it is.

Until a month and a half ago that is.

This little worm of a thought entered my mind and whispered sweet sounding syllables to me. “It’s not that long till you can see her again. There’s more time behind you that ahead.” The damage was done. The frustration began to build. Frustration that took for itself two forms, one in the physical and one in the mental. Mental frustration arising from knowing that I cannot have what I desire. Physical frustration that stemmed from this and also from the fact that I live in a culture that is filled with images and words that show the beautiful people being beautiful together. TV, movies, books, newspaper, even real life for crying out loud all paint this picture. The chemicals in my brain have conspired to mutiny. I am no longer in control. When I close my eyes I see her. I have phantom feelings of her holding me, kissing me. I can smell her, taste the air around her. The dreams of her have returned. Thoughts are interrupted. Incoherent.

I am incapable of stopping it. The incessancy of it all is more than I can handle.

I ache to the depths. Relief is only found in her arms.

I have my own desk for a week. In the latest, and fortunately last, installment in my temp job career I am sitting behind a beautiful reddish oak desk. Not just a single desk, no this is a corner desk...in a corporate office. The only down side is that it is just inside the entry way. Yeah, that's right, another front line secretarial job. But in this case it is not so bad, we don't have any walk-in customers here at "Hospital Housekeeping Systems". No, this is a corporate office and only people who know the place come here. Heck, I don't even have to be polite on the telephone. "HHS, this is Graham" That's it. No, 'Good _____ (fill in time of day)' or 'Thank you for calling...' or 'Hello' even. Nope, I don't have to be cordial. It's great. Plus it's only part time. Well, that has its ups and its downs. Up, I don't have to work very long. Down, I don't get that many hours to get paid for. So for this week I get to sit here and type on the computer and scribble down lyrics and ideas and the like.
_____________________________
it's only eight days till I see her

Don't you just hate it (for those who do this blog thing) when you type something up and post but don't really read it over and then check it later to find a glaringly poor example of grammar or some left out word that makes you look like an idiot or perhaps just one long run on sentence that starts to lose all meaning towards the end and you are just left dangling with your metaphorical pants around your ankles.

_{Today I cried.}

I was alone in a crowd of hundreds. The hot tears flowed down my cheeks this morning and I couldn't stop them. I was broken this morning. And it all started by my jamming before church. Well, I guess it really started the night before when I had a friend decided to keep me accountable to certain things. My life, therefore, was turned inside out and made easier to see how far I've really fallen. Thoughts and dreams haunting me in the night and I cannot sleep well, yet I wake up early the next morning. After I finished getting ready for church I had time to spare, which never happens. The split second decision to chose either to read a classic or play the guitar ended up with me woshiping like I have not done in quite a while. The Lord opened up something and the words came pouring out:

Jesus, you're my Wonderful Savior
Jesus, you're my Wonderful Savior

When I'm tired
When I'm weak
When I fall
And am incomplete

And I am crying out to you
My heart is frozen, Lord, to you
I need your breath to awaken me
Give me strength to fall to my knees
Your cleansing touch frees my soul to sing
This praise to you, Lord, my offering
Your Glory deserves more than I can bring
Your Holiness demands my everything
The cross it bears my sin from me
Your arms, they hold amazing love to me
I cannot express the feeling of my soul
The joy when it looks into the face of love
My lips drip with the praise of my Savior King
Your Spirit holy fire consumes my being

Then I went to church... From song one to the end it was either tears or choking on the words and it was the sweetest thing. I tend to be the stalwart one. The immovable rock. Things do not shake me, do not affect me. I've had enough of that. I plan to spend a large chunk of time tomorrow trying to find myself back to where I'm supposed to be. "From down here it's all distorted / flowing blues and greens / should I hold my breath and wait / or take a chance at finding out / what's on the other side" Something's broken and I hope to never fix it. Can I be as resolute in being as in speech? We'll find out I guess.

Well, the computer thing really didn't work out. Not that anyone really cared. I just frustrated me and gave me about 2 hours less sleep before the CPR class. Thankfully, though, that class was so much easier than last time I took it. We ended two hours early and I didn't miss a single question on the exam. So YES I can save you for another year. And all it took was 48 bucks out of my ever shrinking wallet.

So I just had a major brain fart and can no longer think of anything interesting to write. Am I ever interesting at all? I can't really say. I'm going to stop now

So I'm really not that smart. I have to be in St. Pete at 9am tomorrow, at least 45min away, for a CPR for the Professional Rescuer class and I am sitting here typing on this infernal machine. Why do I think it's infernal? Well, for starters it's sound card sucks royally. I've been trying to lay down some song ideas on my mom's computer, only because it's down away from everyone so I can make as much noise as I want for all hours of the night, but all I get is static. I have half a mind to just set my computer up, but I know that she would not care for that one bit. I have to keep all my crap in order or mom gets a little testy. Me screwing with things just gives me more headaches. So here I am with great ideas in my head that will probably not be there in the morning. My magnum opus, beethovan's fifth to my rocknroll soul, is right now probably half way down the brain making it's way out my anus. Ok, I've made my mind up, I deal with the talk later. For now it is time to rock.

I've been asked by my friend Josh Doody to critique his songs. This is a real honor because he has given me full opportunity to be truthful. Being a songwriter myself I know how personal songs can be and telling someone to be blatently honest can open the door to criticism you just don't want. I know, for myself personally, all I want to hear is how good my songs are. Being my own worst enemy I usually kill most songs before anyone else can here them, so when I play a song for someone I have put my all into in and to hear that it was "ok" can just kill. Well, enough of me, you guys get enough of that on this page.

I've been listening to five tracks for awhile now trying to get a feel of Josh's style and groove. As far as style goes (and here I'm cheating because I know him personally) he is highly influenced by acoustic acts like The Dave Matthews Band, John Mayer, and Bebo Norman. His groove however is much harder to pin down. Josh has only recently started writing and recording his musings on life. As such, though all the songs are acoustic, they all have their own unique voice. My personal favorite is 'It's Not What I Need'. While this song is not the most intricate, nor the simplest, I find that the lyrics are the most personal. Because of this there is an urgency in his voice that doesn't surface in the two other vocal tracks. The praise song like cry of "I need your love" stirs something in me that agrees whole heartedly. 'Letting Go' is a pretty catchy little tune. The guitar work is not that difficult, actually it's rather repetative. But this is ok because the lyrics never really repeat. The hook seems to be "you'll never change a thing / just follow this ring to the end of your life." It sounds like something you've thought before but can't say why. It holds the song together well. Though I must say that my favorite line is "And when hope has left your eyes / Everything's coated in little white lies". I tend to like the darker more introverted lyrics and that just hits the spot nicely. Just like a frosty brew on a smoke filled porch. Or for those underage I would have to say it's like IBC Cream Soda on a hot summer's day. As a complete 180 to 'Letting Go', though being a bit dark sounds upbeat in some spots, 'Monotony' is dark through and through. Both the lyrics and the guitar work never you up. They draw you down into yourself to see things that you probably would rather keep hidden. It is something that must be experienced, you really can't describe it. The other two tracks are instrumentals. 'Jazz Lick' and 'Happy Times' show Josh's ability to do great finger work. While 'Happy Times does sound strangly similar to DMB it still does not fail to make my hand hurt just listening to it. 'Jazz Lick' I believe is a misnomer because it sounds more like a bluesy riff than a jazz riff, but I still enjoy it thoroughly. The harmonics that he does amaze me. Josh has explained to me how he did it, but it still never ceases to amaze me.

Overall you can see a progression as Josh finds his sound. His songs become more coherent, more complex, in music and lyrics. I'm really looking forward to living with him next year. The sounding board of another songwriter I believe will sharpen moth our skills.

That's the end of that review. Well, I've never done a music review before so it probably sucks, but really when it comes down to it who's opinion matters, your's or mine?

finally!
I just spent the past two or more hours working on this template update. I hope you guys read the archives cause they were a friggen pain in the butt. enjoi.

Ah, it feels good to be back to normal. 12:30am and I have no plans on bed for a while. No reason to get up in the morning. Makes me feel like I'm back at school. To bad no one is here to enjoy it with me. Can't finish full thoughts. must try later. ah.

It's my last day at work. Temp job number one is officially flushing its metaphorical self down the toilet. It makes me sad for some reason. I think it's mostly the paycheck. It hasn't been that bad working as a leasing agent, but I really don't see how people do this for a living. Two of my coworkers are in the next room griping about the management and how this place is going to fall apart in the next few years. It's rather humorous because they both just started working here, one within the past week.

I really hope that I never become like that. I want to be different. I want to be creative. I don't want to fall into the routine of being a responsible adult. That doesn't mean I don't want to be responsible. I want to be able to support myself and any future family that I may have, but I don't want to be the man who goes to the office at 7am and gets home at 5pm only to eat dinner and then veg in front of the tv. Is it really too much to ask to be a rock star? Ok, not even a star, just to play the music. I find myself dreaming about such things but then I start second guessing myself. I am my own worst enemy. I can paralyze myself in an instant. People say encouraging things about my music, but I shrug it off most of the time being too shy to really believe them. Then the questions pop up, how do I want to express the music? Do I want to just be a straight up rock band touring the club scene? Will the music be more outright in faith, perhaps even worshipful? Or do I be a full time worship leader? I don't know. Just some of the many questions floating around in my too large imagination.

who knows. I guess it's not so bad that one of my soon to be roommates is going through the same problems. moral support!

I wonder, do I have a central symbol to my life? What would it be?

Questions inspired by 'a river runs through it'. they had the river, a wide montana river running through a valley long cut and smoothed by the incessant flowing of its waters. where nirvana-like bliss is found at the end of a fly rod and men become living art. what do i have? what is that one certainty that i come back to when everything else is spinning out of control? i sure pray that it's not this thing and while the guitar is semi exotic it is not as poetic, not as transendent. what is larger than i that can be that my symbol?

I don't know why I do it. It seems harmless at first, but then upon further consumption it's effects can be hazardous. Why I was allowed to continue I will never be able to tell.

Now before everyone's minds start flying around all over the place let me assure you, this addiction, no not that far out, this... strong liking is of nothing so offensive as drugs. Though it's matter is often times more potent. That matter being love. The medium being the romantic comedy.

It's ok to shoot first and then ask questions. I understand the desire. But for some strange, odd reason I find myself drawn to them. Not as a first time in the theatre sort of way, but more like a library rental or something along those lines. It doesn't make much sense even to myself. The plot is thin at best. The acting, often times trite and overplayed. Yet I enjoy the experience.

and this all when i don't have a girl to lay close with on the couch, the only position that should be allowed while watching said movies.

doesn't julia ormond look a lot like kate beckinsdale? or is it the other way around?

So that being said, I watched Serendipity this evening with my sister and two of her friends. Perhaps it was because I had just hung up the phone with becky and was aching for something to ease the pain. Find satisfaction in the successful tale of another's love, if that's what you wish to call it. The movie had the typical plot: boy meets girl, find special connection, lose each other..... years pass, both are engaged but have the nagging sense that this isn't right, both try to find each other but like strangers in the night pass right by each other without knowing it, both marriages are called off, both resign to fact that they have lost all, and lo and behold in the last 2 minutes of the film find each other, final scene a year or so later celebrating anniversary. Awwwwwwww. I know, it brings a tear to the eye. The performances were not bad, john cusack playing the same character I have seen in other movies, and kate beckinsdale being just as hot, if not more so, than in pearl harbor. There's just something about an accent that can turn you on, well me at least.

so I really just realized how pathetic my life really is, don't be offended by it please, it was a slow day.

one last thought: the music playing over the rolling credits on romantic comedies is meant to be mood music for making out, so where the heck was my date tonight?

blogger fodder: (noun) 1.something interesting that happens in one's life which is out of the ordinary; 2.smooth jazz played incessantly for hours on end without earplugs in sight.

I hate smooth jazz. This is not something new. I have always hated smooth jazz. But I never thought that it could so profoundly affect my life the way that it has.

Today was my first day at work. The hell week of vacation is over. What the heck is that all about? Me, the ever lazy one, hating the fact that I don't have anything to do. When I do have stuff do do I don't do it and when I don't have stuff to do I look for ways to do things. Hmm, sounds like a vaguely familiar argument. You know what I'm talking about.

Today was my first day at work. I got the job through a temp agency, which is an interesting feeling. Me, the college student, using a temp agency. But such are the steps one must take to find a job for a short period of time. That was actually a harder thing than I thought it would be. I had resigned myself to the fact that the upscale agencies that I had interviewed with were not going to work out and I was going to have to apply with the troglodytes of society and work with Able Body. Maybe it was the lowering of my pride, maybe it was blind luck, though I tend to believe it was more of the first. Whatever it was I am now gainfully employed.

Today was my first day at work. I was late. Driving through an unfamiliar part of town and taking a shortcut to bypass rush hour traffic make volatile bedfellows. I drove about twenty minutes out of my way, thus ending up fifteen minutes late. Low and behold, no I am not working at some firm learning something new, no I am not finding out something new about society, no I am working in the front office of an apartment complex. I have spent my fair share of time in apartment offices, just on the other side of the desk.

My job is filled with small insignificant tasks. I filed, I copied, I answered the phone, oh and yeah I rented apartments. It didn't make much sense to me, but on my first day, me, the little two week temp, was in charge of doing all the paper work involved with renting out an apartment unit. Perhaps it was because I was over-dressed in my slacks and tie, or maybe it was their recognition of my innate skill. Whatever it was, I was showing people around a complex I have never seen before, answering questions I really don't know the answers to, and having people fill out forms I don't even know what to do with. It was an interesting situation to say the least.

and all the while the smooth jazz played in the background tearing at each little nerve as it heads to my brain.

While supposing to be background music, there could be nothing more obvious than that god awful sound. I don't know, if it came down to pop or smooth jazz it would be a very close match up. Which one sucked more. I must thank everything that is good in the world though that I decided to bring a book to read during lunch. Homer and I curled up on a couch and disappeared into the ancient world. One where s.j. doesn't exist yet and heros reigned. The world was smaller and epics were a way of life. It was one of the best times I have had recently. Odysseus lived more than I have. I lived somewhere else for fourty-five wonderful minutes, totally oblivious to the muted tv next to me pushing the coaxial garbage of jenny jones.

We'll see what tomorrow brings. Hopefully thicker skin and greater heroic adventures.

It's really hard to write when nothing is going on. I want to have something deep and insightful to say about life, but all I've got is a week spent watching tv and reading. So yeah, some people might like that, and I thought I would too, but that's not the way it's been working. It seems like I've come to see myself as what I do and since I have not been doing anything I feel terrible about myself. Yesterday I went absolutely stir crazy. I had to mow the lawn, a task I detest, to make myself feel better.

Perhaps it's a symptom of my relationship with the Lord. I've defined myself more by what I do than by what I am. Time spent with him is substitued by things done, or even thought about doing. My arm says that I am in Christ, but is that the way I am actually living? I find that I live a memory or even a fantasy more than I live a reality. That's something that I would love to change all at once, but I am sure that that is an impossible task. I did not get here in one step and neither will I leave by one. It's a journey and a process. One that I have not begun yet, but know that I should. If someone would just kick my butt and get me moving. I can't kick it hard enough myself.

It seems like I cannot do anything right when it comes to employment. I'm either not searching hard enough, being lazy, or other somesuch thing like that. It's this interesting relationship my mother and I have. I try as well as I know and she lays into me for not doing well enough. I mean, we get along great besides this point, but whenever work is brought up she gets all in my face about it. It's probably maternal instincts that make her not want her offspring to not survive in the working world, but still, it's like I cannot do anything right. Kinda frustrating. I mean, yeah, there's probably other things I could be doing, but I don't know what they are. Could someone enlighten me please?

why am i awake when all i'm doing is watching tv? i'm really not liking this break so far. lazy ass.

ah, vacation. Yes, it can be as good as it sounds. Vacation. That word has a healing effect on the human soul. Just say it to someone and all things seem not so bad as before.

it just sucks that mine is tainted.

Yeah, trying to find a job over summer vacation is almost like voluntarily having a root canal done. If only root canals paid ten bucks an hour. I think I could sit in a chair long enough to make some good money. That's the real driving factor of this whole situation. It's less than a week from when my so called vacation started and I am worrying that I am not going to find a job in time to make some money before I leave in June. Leave to make absolutely no money at a summer camp. But really, is working at camp about the money? I think not.

I really hate being tied down to this materialistic society. If I could just live, that would be great. Oh, I need something? I'll just go out and get it. Nothing driven by money. Only by need. Honestly though, it could never happen. If even one person changes it ruins the whole system. Kinda like communism.

Oh well, for now I'll just sit around and watch movies all day. There's nothing wrong with that is there...?

lost by lines and shades

the changing is the hardest part
leaving behind a part that i can never regain again
it will all be different when i return

what is another night spent here on these sheets
in tears
when i've spent the last two the same
what is the point of hopeless fighting
of fears
when it will happen anyway

and the day seems as if years
and i'm still here looking at captured perspectives
wishing that I could return

what is another night spent here on these sheets
in tears
when i've spent the last two the same
what is the point of hopeless fighting
of fears
when it will happen anyway

happen anyway and i am unbound
like the books slowly fading on the shelf
page upon page falling like skin
and i am left defenseless
unbound and it happens anyway

what is another night spent here on these sheets
in tears
when i've spent the last two the same
what is the point of hopeless fighting
of fears
when it will happen anyway

and i am awake...

and i am alone...

ok, maybe not entirely alone. The two women sitting in the office next to mine are seeming to have a grand soft time over there, but here I sit. Isolated by a inch and a half think peice of fiberboard from the rest of the world. Behind here I am just a thrall, a sub human if you will. Fairly sure that I am the one who is always incorrect and the person, who's only difference is geographic positioning, is right. 'I'm sorry, let me see if I can find the right answer for you.'

and it never helps that my shorts don't fit anymore...

rolling out of bed this morning at 7:30 realizing that I have to be in the office by 8 meant all I had time to do was to throw some clothes on, blindly fumble with the contacts, and stumble out the door. The feeling didn't hit me until I was walking from the parking lot to the building and realized that I had to pretty much hold them up or they were going to fall off my body. Now I guess for some people they might find incomperable joy in the fact that they are smaller in the mid section, I on the other hand was cursing the fact that my favorite pair of shorts now were not the right size. Or perhaps they are the right size and I am the one who is wrong. That would fit with my existence behind this desk. 'I'm sorry, let me see if I can be the right size for you.'

and i am gone...

well, in a day I'll be gone and all this will be over. It's hard to lose friends. Yeah, people say 'you never lose a friend, we'll keep in touch'. That's great, keep in touch. When what I want is personal contact. Where their lives are an integral part of mine. We do things together rather than send a few over used text lines in email or instant messenger. I'm pretty burned out on the whole long distance friendship thing. I mean, I'm really glad that I can keep in touch with people like a friend of mine who has been in Argentina for the past year. I get all crazy whenever I get the chance to talk with him. But such is life in these times when my friends are growing up and leaving...(sniff).

My brain is going to fry out pretty soon. I'm taking a much needed break after having studied for several hours and that after just geting back from another exam. Oh how I am going to revel in the glory of finishing these exams. Dancing for joy in complete nakedness. Unabashed and unashamed. Ok, maybe that'll only be for a very short while in the privacy (pronounced in the proper british way) of my own room.

And as a pre-celebration (which was actually mean to be a post-celebration but due to poor time judgement by myself is now beforehand) Thursday morning I'm getting inked up. Writing on my arm for all the world to see that I am "in Christ". That is what it is going to say. Written right above an intricate celtic knot on my left arm. The "in Christ" is going to be written in ancient greek so it will take me explaining it to people for them to understand it. Hopefully it will be a conversation starter to share the gospel. That is not the reason I am getting it though, but rather because it describes pretty much in full who I am.

I'm sure the parents will have something to say about it, but whatever. I'm 21 so it doesn't matter.

and now back to the books.

The tamborines of Hare Krishnas and guitars of Christians on campus accomplish the same thing in my mind, to annoy the crap out of me.

Be it the monotone droaning of krishna chants or the, mostly, slightly off pitch wail of worship songs, it all has the same effect. Call me cynical if you will but I don't believe that either of those two were meant as advertisements. "Hey! Come look at our cool group."

I guess it comes down to the fact that worship is too personal to me for it to be used as a marketing device. I have no problem, in fact find great joy, in seeing someone on campus bent over his/her guitar intently worship the Lord by him/herself or with a few others. It's when the person at the table in Turlington or the Union Colonnade is making the loudest noise he/she can to bring attention to the table.

Is that what it is all about?

The Hare Krishnas are a little different in that I am not personally involved with them, but it creates the same feeling. Does standing on the corner of 13th and University chanting really forward the cause of Hare Krishnaicism? I can't say for everyone but it doesn't engender me to their cause.

Marketing and publicity are not my cup of tea. Kill 'em with the love is my paraphrase of the uniquely biblical concept of 'they will know you by your love'. Where else does that idea show up. Many other 'religious' groups preach love to all, but are they known for it. Or is it something else. Say, their garb, or their worship practices, etc.

Now I'm not saying that many christians are known for their love. I believe that we as a whole have dropped the ball on that. While not saying that an exception is made here, but I do believe those involved with crusade here on average probably are more loving than other circles of christians. But is that because we are so wrapped up in a crusade subculture that it becomes easy for us here, yet will leave us as soon as we ourselves leave? I really can't say.

And as I look around now and find myself alone in a sea of people I wonder. Do I stand out? Can they tell? A sickening feeling I have is that I have become just like them. Self-serving, unconscious of all around me, believing that my little bubble, this space that finds itself around me, is somehow more important or more blessed than others.

How can I be so all about this unattractive and ungainly peice of flesh? I can't answer that truthfully to myself right now. I've lied to myself for too long to believe me.

I would do anything for love, but I won't do that

I have no idea what Meatloaf was talking about, but I know what that means for me. Why I had to exist in a time when everything around is soaked in sex frustrates me sometimes. Frustrated in more than one way if my entendre is understood. And so I won't do that. Sometimes marriage looks solely like an outlet for sex. How untrue that is, but it's hard to get past it sometimes. Not that any of this really matters, it's gonna be a long time before I see any action.

It's the little things really that get to me.

Be they good or bad, it's always the little things that have that uncanny ability to find their way around my defensive wall and knock me around. Like signing in to blogger here, it never remembers who I am, but just now it did. Woah, big friggen deal you say. That's exactly my point. It isn't a big deal and yet it jumped right off the screen and gave me a hook across the jaw. I was actually coming here to rant about just something else in my life that isn't going as I have planned it too (can't everyone just follow my plan?), but something as small as this makes me think on more pleasant occasions.

Two nights ago I found myself sitting on a porch. As I watched the moths in their suicidal dance towards illumination it made me contemplate how much I really let pass me by. But not this night, I was going to live this one to the limit. I was not alone. A friend and I sat there in the half light of the sodium street lamp from across the street with a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. We talked for hours while the cheap smoke of gas station cigars rose above us, the ashes scattered about our feet, and the beer slowly but surely disappeared from the bottles. It was one of the most enjoyable nights I have had in a very long time. We small talked, we got deep with each other, and it was perfect.

I love hanging out with friends, but sometimes I must step back. I get worn out easily by the crowd, which would suprise many. Though I tend to be a rather outgoing person, I find more and more that at the heart of things I am a recluse. I find more pleasure in walking alone in the dark then spending an entire evening with my friends sometimes. I've done it before. Left the party to walk the streets in search of an answer for a question which I have not asked yet. Searching the stars for that one chance that I will see something that no one else has and that will separate me from the ordinary.

"words fall from my lips / spilling oceans on the floor / I can't seem to dam them up / I'm left with nothing more"

I feel inadequate as a writer. For some reason I like to consider myself not bad at writing verse or coming up with some deep and insightful prose sometimes. But then I have to and read other people's stuff and I feel that I am the lesser in the match up. Consider this peice I really like from a band called The Contingency Plan. "Abandon ship, cause I'm going down / You can jump first, cause I'd rather drown / These restless nights, under this brilliant sky / Is it too late to ask for a kiss goodnight?" Like how simple is that? Four lines, rhyming patter AABB, with the BB being a close rhyme. It's a simple acoustic composition and I am drawn in by it. Am I trying to be too deep, too long, etc? I don't know. But of course I am my worst critic. Maybe I'll drop some lines on here for other's viewing pleasure.

I love tests that take less than an hour to finish. There's just something about that feeling of defeating an exam that quickly. Now I must make this disclaimer, it's not that I'm a genius by any stretch of the imagination, I know too many smart people to delude myself that way, it's just that the exam was in my Ancient Egypt class. I feel bad about that class, but that's only because I wasn't able to take the enjoyment out of it that I wanted to. I wanted to just soak up egyptian history but my crazy schedule messed that up. Mostly because of work. I don't want to work five hours and then wait on campus for another hour to then sit through class. Or have class for an hour, then have two hours off (try to go home or not is a question) and then work for 4 hours. Or how about the only class on friday and it's at 4pm. Yeah, it was difficult for me to get myself there. But now it's over. I'm gonna keep the text book, cause who knows, I might just read something for enjoyment some day.

I believe that my electronic life oppositely mirrors my real life. I sit here in front of this thing the most when I need to be doing other more important things and when I really have time to make quality improvements to this site or email friends far away, etc. I don't do it. I actually was just getting back to some friends today who had written me about 12 days ago. The funny part about that is that they were replying to emails I sent out last time I was procrastinating when I should have been studying. But such has been the story of my semester. I have had some awesome times but when it got bad, it got really bad. But who could be down on such a day as this... the last day of classes for spring 2002. Once I finish my exams next thursday I do not have to torture myself with classes until next August. How beautiful is that?! Although, I am not free once school is over, because I am in dire financial need right now, so we're hoping to find a job in between now and when I leave for camp. Which is going to be incredible, but not very financially rewarding. But then again, who works at camp to make money. I sure don't. It's all about the kids. That's what gets me going. Taking these kids out hiking and canoeing and such. It's going to be life changing for the both of us. But for now I must focus. Exam 1 starts in 15 minutes. Good luck to me.

I swear that no one must like me, or that nobody really cares about what is going on in my head, or that I'm just not cool enough for people to bookmark. Call it hitcounter jealosy, I swear it has nothing to do with male insecurities, but why can't mine be larger. Why don't I have as many. I guess I'm just too much of a whiner and people get fed up with it.

I want to start off by saying that things are not really as bad as they sound. I tend to get pretty dramatic when I'm feeling down. I'm not withdrawing those statements made earlier, I just want to say that I don't just sit around being pissed when I'm at home, 'cause that's not true. I mean, it might help that I am saying this after my week of exams is over and I have nothing to do this weekend. Yeah, that might help relieve the stress a little bit.

I also can't deny that God is still working in spite of my undesired attempts to thwart his plans. Like just today I had lunch with one of my friends that I met while working in the Union. He's a student senator and president of one of the organizations up there. He's also hardcore Jewish. I love this kid to death and actually got him to say that he would come with me to Franklin Graham on Saturday. I just pray that he will stay for the whole thing. Yeah, if anyone is reading this before tomorrow at 7pm please pray for him and that God would be working in his heart. I'm guessing the big thing would be that being a christian might some how cause him to stop being jewish. I pray that doesn't enter his mind.

Man, God has also dropped some excellent conversations with old friends in my lap. Just yesterday I wound up talking on line with my friend Will who is doing a year and a half stint missions trip in Argentina. It was out of the blue that I got his screen name and he just showed up. It was so refreshing. And the day before that I found out the screen name of a guy I worked with for the past two summers at camp. He is so cool and I was missing the friendship. Again it was just random that I found out. Another friend of mine IMed me we were talking and just randomly said he was talking with this other guy. I'm like "WHAT!?" So yeah, that was just a blessing.

Man, it's good for me to type these things out too, because it keeps me aware of what the Lord is doing and how really blessed I am.

I hate feeling bad about myself. I don't think there anything more depressing than knowing that you are the cause of your own depression. I'm not sure if that made any sense but that's just the way it is. A self reciprocating cylce of depression. Things are bad, I'm not making them any better. And it sucks that nothing anyone says can help you. "Yeah, I know how you feel" is probably the single most usless statement in the world at times like this. And yet I find myself using it all the time, which does not encourage me at all. I don't really know why this is all coming down on me today, chalk it up to a shitty day I guess.

Sometimes it's hard to believe how long time can take to drift by us. A friend of mine once said that calenders remind us we are losing something precious, which I agree with, but sometimes the time you are living in isn't as precious as ones you forsee in the future. Thus I am stuck here wishing for the future and discontent with the present.

Look at it like this. When I am doing something with other people, like just hanging out with my friends, everything is ok. Get me alone by myself and I become this brooding and moody person. Thoughts like:

If I could just make it till sunrise
I just might survive
this restless night
of fighting and crying
is the morning soon on it's way"

run through my head. Which of course doesn't make me feel any better about myself. Because if I become a different person by myself then I am doing something wrong. Why can't I just be one at all times? Even if it was the more negative person that would be better than this division against myself. If that was the way I was then I would have the help of others to get me through this, but no, I have to be perfectly alright in public. I don't want to tarnish my façade. This whitewashed sepulchre, beautiful on the outside but on the inside is full of a dead man's bones and everything unclean. I can't say anymore now. Maybe later I can be more vulnerable.

I totally forgot to write about something hillarious that happened whilst we were hurling rocks down lanes yesterday. So as soon as we start bowling on come the black lights. As we all know, black lights and white clothing create this crazy effect where it seems like the cloth is glowing. Well to get to the point there was this chick a few lanes over who should have thought of what she was wearing that evening. Her white bra was glowing beneath her green shirt. It was kind of funny and henceforthe was known as, and I quote, "blacklightbra girl". Only slightly less funny was the girl who decided that she would do about a 5 step stutter before throwing the ball down the lane. I laughed every time.

I am, as a friend so poetically put it, "walking to fading stars".

welcome day

is it luck?

have you ever wondered why some of the posts are justified evenly through the column and some of them are justified to the left thus leaving the right hand side non-uniform???

What is more useful in life, sleep or surfing the internet? Well, if one chanced to check my life it might lead him/her to answer the later choice. What is it about this thing... this vast wealth of knowledge, facts, fun, and (quite unfortunately) porn... that causes you to sit cross eyed in front of your large monitor and soak in all that you can get. Oh I'll just check up on some of my favorite sites, then I'll go to bed. That's what I tell myself. Then I find myself here, 4:45am on Wednesday morning. Why the hell am I not asleep? Perhaps I'll just end up there for things done here. (Luckily that statement is false, considering my new creation status) And now I'm even wasting more time by writing, and I'll just tell you, I am not the fastest typer out there so this can take some time.

I must talk about tonight though. Why is it that the little things often mean so much to us? So instead of doing anything productive around the apartment tonight I decided to join some friends at Alley Katz and bowl to my hearts delight. Tuesday night Quarter Mania is a great thing. While they do get you with the 10 buck cover charge I was able to bowl 4 games for a good deal less than I would normally be able to. Which is a good thing, because no matter how much money you spend, if it's less that what would normally cost you it screams out "DO IT!" I couldn't help myself. Which is ok in this situation because I bowled my best round in like forever. The second game was nice to me, and after bowling a 105 the first game, I came back to score a 148, my second highest ever. Needless to say I was rather thrilled at beating my esteemed collegue Josh Doody by one pin and thoroughly ravaging my other collegue Allen Williams. I discount that Chris Bontempo was ever there because he is descended from bowling blood. That is an unfair advantage. Kin hurling large stones down a lane in one's past is cause for disqualification. But we still love you Chris.

The more I really think about it, the more I find that I have been doing everything in my power these past couple of days or week to not do anything of consequence. I have Spring Fever. School has become a canker sore to my soul. I dispise it. But unfortunately it must be done. Hopefully I can squeeze by and get the grades. I made the comment to someone earlier today that I could not really call myself a student. For while I do take classes here, I am less than studious in them. I could really care less right now. Woah, but that's gotta change or I might be in a load of crap real soon.

On a final note, it was mentioned that while reading this page a person (who shall remain nameless, but told that he/she is incredibly cool) thought that it was very dark and brooding. Well, you know what? Yeah, it is. Let's just call this Graham's outlet site. So that he can maintain sanity in the real world, he will outlet emotion in the digital one. Like I said to this person: "I live the good and write about the bad". I really hope that this just gives people a more well rounded view of myself than they would get otherwise. While sometimes things are made vague to keep this from becoming some nasty gossip page, I try to be straight up. Honestly folks, I want to be this open. It's just hard to do that face to face sometimes. Let me know how you all feel perhaps, that is, if you all want to be as good as I am... er... what am I talking about? I'm a mess. Don't try to be like me. Walk my talk and not my walk, if you understand what I'm saying. I'm trying to do the same.

'the stars have always called out my name
but the man they want never stays the same
I'm sorry to be so fragile and incomplete
I guess some things will never change'

When it rains it pours. While sitting here at work I am realizing the futility of arguing with a boss. I have to type into our computer all of the constitutions of the clubs on campus that we do not have electronically already. That means that I am in the middle of typing out around 400 constitutions. It's not only me, really. There are like 4 other students here that work with me, but the mere fact that I have to do this sucks. Why can we not just have the presidents email us a copy of their constitution? Can't tell you but the boss is being pretty gay about this whole thing. "You guys don't have any projects now, so all you do is sit around at night" What kind of explaination is that? Who Cares! That's just giving us busy work. I've never had a good tolerance for busy work and this is just knocking me right over the edge. Ok enough complaining. Back to work. (this sucks)

I really hate the spring semester. I just can never get anything to roll my way. That is, as far as school goes. I can sure tell you that I am having fun with friends and playing music and chilling and stuff. But the school juices just don't seem to be flowing. I never know why either. It's not like I do anything differently than in the fall. I'm doing all the same stuff, it's just that I'm missing a few teeth on the gears if you know what I mean. Things are spinning, but nothing's happening.

Have you ever woken up one morning and realized that you are in a desert? That you are parched and dry, but you can't remember how you got here, or even how long it's been since you have last seen any sign of life. That happened to me over break and I'm still wandering. Trying to find an oasis. Somewhere I can quench this thirst. Bring life back to my aching bones. It's like, I long to be home, but I can't find it. Even when I try to get back I take a step or two then kneel back down. It would be easier to just lay down and stop, but I know that that would be the end of it all. I am not done yet. There is and end to this place. I just need a pillar of fire.

I find myself living in a state of self denial. A place where my world is one big happy vacation while in reality things are perhaps crumbling around me. Everything is alright I tell myself. You are right where you need to be, doing the things that you need to be doing, and the world is in perfect order. Unfortunately sometimes I find myself staring at this wall I've built and find a crack. Just one small split in the deception is all that it takes. In a dark room even a pin sized hole letting in light seems like the light on the front of a train making it's way through a long tunnel. I lean over to see what is shining through, knowing the whole time that this will be the demise of my security, yet unable to stop myself. What I see is something that is disturbing but somehow very sweet. The reality outside is to my numbed senses like the first breath of fresh air after being stuck in a musty and decaying place for hours on end, or was it days? With my eye to the hole a single breath brings the wall down (was it always this weak?). Can one truly appreciate the light after living so long in the dark? I find myself curled into a ball on the floor trying to block any that could hurt me, but the fact of the matter is that everything will hurt. The truth is too painful. But still something deep inside knows that it is better to hurt, to grow accustomed to this, to get stronger, than to continue to pace in my small, dark, lonely room.

I doubt I am alone. It hurts to be real with myself. But is not hurt a sign of growth? Does anyone feel the same?

This is not a good way to start out a week. I'm sitting here in a computer lab on campus at 9:40am. I've been here since 9 o'clock. Why is this bad? Because I don't have to be to work until 10. Somehow my alarm clock got messed up, is one hour ahead of the rest of the world, and caused me to loose an hour of sleep. Usually this wouldn't be that big of a deal, but: 1. It's monday, things are always worse on monday. 2. I only got 3 hours of sleep the night before. Needless to say, I'm a little bit tired.

But being tired has never kept me from doing things I want to. Last night a bunch of friends went to go see 'Ice Age'. That was one of the more funny movies I have seen in a while. There's just something inherently funny about a squirrel getting thwarted in every attempt it makes to bury an acorn. Now those who are just reading this and have not seen it yet are thinking, "that's not funny sounding at all". Let me tell you, it's flippin' hilarious. It also makes it funny when you can sit and crack jokes with your friends all evening, before and after (and maybe a little during) the movie. I love my friends. Like honestly, they are the coolest human beings eer to walk the face of this earth. I am so lucky to be able to call them my friends. It's one of those things you know, that feeling when you are in a group of some of your best friends and you just kinda sit back for a second and realize how blessed you are. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. The fellowship of the family is one of the greatest things ever.

But for now I am unwillingly jarred back into the present and realize that for now I must focus. Focus on work and school. It really sucks, I hate doing school work. I know many people will say that, but I thoroughly dispize it. I just want to move on, past the work, and to the play. But of course you really can't play unless you have earned it. So now I must go earn it.

The thought came to me whilst sitting and nibbling on some food that was cooked hours before and served from under a heat lamp to me.

'in this tank of intellectuality
we are blinded to our basic needs
to search for purpose past our hollow shell
define the space between heaven and hell'

Think about all 46 odd thousand students that call the University of Florida their home. How many of those are searching for their purpose in this life? How many have found the right answer? The others are left trying to define their space in terms that cannot ever grab the scope of eternity. Their grand schemes can never reach to the heights nor depths of the Truth.

This broke my heart. Which amazed me, because it's been a while since I've been grabbed like that. Is that an inherent problem with experientially based faith? I believe so. I haven't ever really thought of myself as such but in some ways I really am. "Oh, I'm not feeling the Lord...", "If I get a sign I'll do it...", etc. Why can't I just be gripped by the simple fact that my Creator has loved me from before time and take that joy and run wild with it? Why must I demand of God like Gideon?

...and now it starts...and now it begins...I've waited too long for this...

How appropriate those lyrics are. Thank you Andrew.

Spring Break can now officially begin. No more class. No more tests. No more work. I am done, fini, over. Thank the dear Lord that I don't have to go on any further. Slacking can now start (not that it ever had stopped from some break in the past).

Unfortunately my brain never really stops working and I will continue to think and ponder on things that will perhaps put me in weird moods, states, etc. I might have stumbled upon a part of my odd feeling. I've had this separate life thing going on. I have school and all the people, activities, etc that go along with that. As such I have built incredibly strong friendships with people. I guess it's just hard when somebody from the outside doesn't feel like they are part of that at first. How do I bring together the two. I think it'll just take time and talking. Hopefully that'll happen.

But for now I am going to veg, play much guitar, and in general waste a whole week on doing nothing. I wish I could do that all the time, but I have a feeling I am soon to become one of those dreaded people who have a routined schedule and live and die by the clock. I hope it never happens but are some things not inevitable?

Between myself and freedom lies a sinister creation called midterm exams. I mean does this thing actually measure to the fullest all the information I know and have learned in a class. Perhaps if it was an essay test, an open ended question that requires analytical thought and an answer that could perhaps differ from student to student, thus meaning that I have had to process the information on my own and thus producing my own thoughts on the subject matter, I could say that it did. But this test is a multiple guess test (also known as multiple choice test, however I don't believe this accurately portray what happens during the test). 100 questions worth of singling out the most absured answers such that I have to go with the best of two evils to choose the correct answer. And of course once you get to know how to take these tests you know that you can most likely find one or two answers you didn't know hidden in an other question. How does this sufficiently show what I have learned?

Alright I might be a little bitter about having a test on the last day of classes before spring break. And maybe even because it is at 4pm as well. Who knows but it's not making me a very happy person. I just have to make it through the next 2.5 hours and I am free.

A final thing is that I am feeling something weird and I don't know what it is. There is some sort of fear/hesitation/something else that is churning deep down. Maybe I'll find out soon what it is.

Life is good I tell ya. There's just something satisfing about recieving a gift you have been waiting for for a very long time. Now by very long I mean 2 months and by gift I mean girl. I won't go into any details but I will say that there is an emptiness that has now been filled. This is going to be a good break.

One other thing that has been in my head recently is this thought of where I am with my walk with the Lord. I know we all could be in a better place then we are now, but the question was posed to me at bible study this week. In the text of Rom 6 there are three kind of steps in our walk. There is the Knowledge: this is where we know and understand who God is and what he has done. There is the Reckoning: which is where this knowledge becomes so real, so vibrant, so alive, that it affects the way we live, our actions and desires and such. Finally there is the Presenting: this is the final step where the reckoning has occured and our actions are to present our bodies to God as slaves to righteousness and not slaves to sin. Well, I'm always like 'I just have a hard time with the presenting'. But after really thinking about it, shouldn't the presenting be the easiest part. Because once we have the reckoning down we are already having our actions changed. This therefore must lead to presenting, there is no other alternative. So I must think and chew on this concept for a while now.

Man, I just have all the luck. I was just writing a peice on how terrible it is to lose an irreplaceable hour's worth of work to the demon of the "timed out" issue , when all of the sudden I lose that peice too. Cei la vie, no? I won't even try to replace the replacement. You just wouldn't get it. Wouldn't know how much it cost me. Oh well. She comes today.

Do you ever wonder why people are so fakely philosophical about things? Why someone must take a thing which is in itself nothing more than the sum of its parts and try to create in it something else entirely? You know what I mean? Why can't the words that come out of my mouth be taken at face value? Why can't I do something without somebody thinking there is some alterior motive?

I don't really know why I just typed out all of that stuff. Perhaps it's some crazy stuff hidden way down deep in my psyche trying to get out. But there I go doing exactly what I was questioning. I'm just running low on the lovin' levels. Luckily I get a recharge starting Wed.

Haha! Two in one day. I am good man. So, I just got back from watching Hart's War. Not a bad flick, but not exactly the greatest either. Boy, can I tell you, I love it when I get to see a man's brains blown onto the guy sitting next to him. That's the sign of a great one. It's ok though, cause I was out doing it with friends of mine. I tell you, I have some of the coolest people in the world for friends. I mean if we can perform fake marriages and strange indian dances one night and then the next go see a movie, they have to be wicked cool.

Speaking of wicked, I just had 3 friends from Mass. come down to visit. Ok, well they were really visiting the grandparents, but made a stop my way. That was honestly one of the coolest things. It's like I have two different worlds. School people and camp people. Only once before have they ever met. But it is one of the coolest things I think when I get to live both at the same time. I have made such memories with both groups and I share those with both as I talk about things I've done. I guess it just means a lot to me that they get to have a taste of each other.

Well, perhaps things are just starting to fall together for me finally. Life is going well. My girl is visiting for spring break(yes!!!!!!!!). It is all good in my so called 'hood'. It's a never ending saga, my life. But you know what? Could I really have it any other way. I don't think so. Perhaps I would like to change a few things, but I really can't complain. I should never be complacent, but I find my comfort in the Lord. And so I call it a night. Hopefully the morning won't come as quickly as this day's did.

Wow, it's been 11 days since I've written. Didn't really seem like that long. So much has happened and yet nothing at all. You know what I mean? I might have to do this in installments as to not miss anything of importance. I'll start out with most recently.

I learned this new game last night called Silent Football. The gameplay itself is quite simple but the main attraction to it is the penalties. Oh yes, you do not want to mess up in this game. Penalties ranged from dancing to butt writting, to dusting with somebody else's dirty sock in your mouth. Crazy, I tell you. I often wonder who comes up with these games. Like really, who sits down one day and says, I want to make a crazy game with shrugs and schroders and penalties, hmm, who? Can't tell ya.

Well, I gotta get back to this thing later. Gold Medal Hockey is coming on and I wanna see the USA team whoop up on those silly neighbors we call Canadians.

So I'm sitting here at work on campus and it is 9:30pm. What the heck am I doing working on a night such as this? No, better question, what the heck am I working at night at all for? I can't say really, besides the fact that if I didn't pick up this shift then I'd only be working like 6 hours a week. That's not gonna cover me at all. So I am destined to sit here and entertain myself for another hour and a half. And really the only reason I am typing on this thing is because biomechanics has ceased to become interesting and I just want to play minesweeper or freecell. This, I thought, would be a better use of my time. So here, peruse this lyric: His footsteps are ringing/or is that the thoughts inside my head/ what was the question/ I've lost it all again. Eh, not so good on paper, but I have the melody in my head and danggit, it's good. Anyway, I'm off to slack off in some other way.

What a great joy comes to me when I think that I now only have one little test between me and freedom. It doesn't mean that this nasty cycle of procrastination and cramming will end, only put it on hold for a while. Spring break is going to be so nice... no school, no job, just fun, sun, and makin' out. Does life get any better than this? Can't say one way or the other, but I have a definite case of green grass syndrome.

One really cool thing here though is that I was just putting the final editing touches with some friends on our video, dare I say motion picture?, for the Crusade Film Festival. We are definitely going to kick some major butt. I can't reveal anything here yet though as prying eyes may wish to know about it before it's world premier. Hey, this ain't no Cannes, but it's still a debut.

Things will continue to look up as long as I am doing the same thing. Time with my Almighty has been lacking. Gotta call Dad up if ya know what I mean, I bet he's waiting up for me.

Thought running through my head: why am I so insignificant in the grand scheme of things?

Ok, I'm a little better but that might be solely because I have yet to really think about what is ahead. But in truth the hardest test is behind me. Just keep on top of it Graham

At 6:49pm on this day I have officially hit the wall in my apathy about school. While I thought that I have felt inklings of it before I find that today it has become a reality. I was checking my gpa for the previous semester to see how poorly I can do and still keep my scholarship. Perhaps this was caused by my lack of being able to get any work done over the weekend and the three rather large exams I have this week. That stupid movie we just...had... to shoot this weekend. While I do believe it is going to be awesome and that we are going to win the film festival it did nothing to encourage my academic career. I'm sitting here and I don't even care. Nothing. No feeling whatsoever. My girl was getting on my case last night about my fatalistic outlook on life. "How can you just sit there and not care, not do anything." Easy, I say, just sit there, don't care, and don't do anything. Alright I'm cutting this off, this is even depressing me now. Not even the sappy Dashboard Confessional love song in the background can help this one.... Ah, there we go, more hardcore. 'Cross out the eyes, blur all the lines, tearing these canvases from the walls..." Maybe after my exam tonight I'll feel better, a weight removed.

So here I am...

Siting at my desk at a quarter till one in the morning when I have to get up for work at 9am. Why do I insist on this self inflicted insomnia. The watch on my desk clicks loudly, letting me know that each second has past me by. Why am I here? Why do I write on this thing? Well, considering a friend of mine just introduced it to me and I thought it was cool, I guess I just have some sort of deep seated desire to express myself in written word. And of course since it is late and I am desperately tired I become quite melodramatic in my use of language.

The only thing I could think to say here is that interpersonal relationships with the opposite sex, let's say dating relationships, are hard to figure out. How can everything be perfect one second and then after one word is spoken it all falls apart. And then as you hang the phone up you realize that you had so much more to say and yet could not find the words to use. I guess it all comes down to the fact that I can do nothing right, by myself, at night. I fall apart.

But I must go...

if I could only be like you
then I wouldn't struggle the way I do
if only this story was told from the end
then I would know where I'd fall again
this face I show is too worn to wear again
I'd just as soon run then face the fact
that I am just dust and air