It's the little things really that get to me.

Be they good or bad, it's always the little things that have that uncanny ability to find their way around my defensive wall and knock me around. Like signing in to blogger here, it never remembers who I am, but just now it did. Woah, big friggen deal you say. That's exactly my point. It isn't a big deal and yet it jumped right off the screen and gave me a hook across the jaw. I was actually coming here to rant about just something else in my life that isn't going as I have planned it too (can't everyone just follow my plan?), but something as small as this makes me think on more pleasant occasions.

Two nights ago I found myself sitting on a porch. As I watched the moths in their suicidal dance towards illumination it made me contemplate how much I really let pass me by. But not this night, I was going to live this one to the limit. I was not alone. A friend and I sat there in the half light of the sodium street lamp from across the street with a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. We talked for hours while the cheap smoke of gas station cigars rose above us, the ashes scattered about our feet, and the beer slowly but surely disappeared from the bottles. It was one of the most enjoyable nights I have had in a very long time. We small talked, we got deep with each other, and it was perfect.

I love hanging out with friends, but sometimes I must step back. I get worn out easily by the crowd, which would suprise many. Though I tend to be a rather outgoing person, I find more and more that at the heart of things I am a recluse. I find more pleasure in walking alone in the dark then spending an entire evening with my friends sometimes. I've done it before. Left the party to walk the streets in search of an answer for a question which I have not asked yet. Searching the stars for that one chance that I will see something that no one else has and that will separate me from the ordinary.

"words fall from my lips / spilling oceans on the floor / I can't seem to dam them up / I'm left with nothing more"