I find myself living in a state of self denial. A place where my world is one big happy vacation while in reality things are perhaps crumbling around me. Everything is alright I tell myself. You are right where you need to be, doing the things that you need to be doing, and the world is in perfect order. Unfortunately sometimes I find myself staring at this wall I've built and find a crack. Just one small split in the deception is all that it takes. In a dark room even a pin sized hole letting in light seems like the light on the front of a train making it's way through a long tunnel. I lean over to see what is shining through, knowing the whole time that this will be the demise of my security, yet unable to stop myself. What I see is something that is disturbing but somehow very sweet. The reality outside is to my numbed senses like the first breath of fresh air after being stuck in a musty and decaying place for hours on end, or was it days? With my eye to the hole a single breath brings the wall down (was it always this weak?). Can one truly appreciate the light after living so long in the dark? I find myself curled into a ball on the floor trying to block any that could hurt me, but the fact of the matter is that everything will hurt. The truth is too painful. But still something deep inside knows that it is better to hurt, to grow accustomed to this, to get stronger, than to continue to pace in my small, dark, lonely room.

I doubt I am alone. It hurts to be real with myself. But is not hurt a sign of growth? Does anyone feel the same?