When it rains it pours. While sitting here at work I am realizing the futility of arguing with a boss. I have to type into our computer all of the constitutions of the clubs on campus that we do not have electronically already. That means that I am in the middle of typing out around 400 constitutions. It's not only me, really. There are like 4 other students here that work with me, but the mere fact that I have to do this sucks. Why can we not just have the presidents email us a copy of their constitution? Can't tell you but the boss is being pretty gay about this whole thing. "You guys don't have any projects now, so all you do is sit around at night" What kind of explaination is that? Who Cares! That's just giving us busy work. I've never had a good tolerance for busy work and this is just knocking me right over the edge. Ok enough complaining. Back to work. (this sucks)

I really hate the spring semester. I just can never get anything to roll my way. That is, as far as school goes. I can sure tell you that I am having fun with friends and playing music and chilling and stuff. But the school juices just don't seem to be flowing. I never know why either. It's not like I do anything differently than in the fall. I'm doing all the same stuff, it's just that I'm missing a few teeth on the gears if you know what I mean. Things are spinning, but nothing's happening.

Have you ever woken up one morning and realized that you are in a desert? That you are parched and dry, but you can't remember how you got here, or even how long it's been since you have last seen any sign of life. That happened to me over break and I'm still wandering. Trying to find an oasis. Somewhere I can quench this thirst. Bring life back to my aching bones. It's like, I long to be home, but I can't find it. Even when I try to get back I take a step or two then kneel back down. It would be easier to just lay down and stop, but I know that that would be the end of it all. I am not done yet. There is and end to this place. I just need a pillar of fire.

I find myself living in a state of self denial. A place where my world is one big happy vacation while in reality things are perhaps crumbling around me. Everything is alright I tell myself. You are right where you need to be, doing the things that you need to be doing, and the world is in perfect order. Unfortunately sometimes I find myself staring at this wall I've built and find a crack. Just one small split in the deception is all that it takes. In a dark room even a pin sized hole letting in light seems like the light on the front of a train making it's way through a long tunnel. I lean over to see what is shining through, knowing the whole time that this will be the demise of my security, yet unable to stop myself. What I see is something that is disturbing but somehow very sweet. The reality outside is to my numbed senses like the first breath of fresh air after being stuck in a musty and decaying place for hours on end, or was it days? With my eye to the hole a single breath brings the wall down (was it always this weak?). Can one truly appreciate the light after living so long in the dark? I find myself curled into a ball on the floor trying to block any that could hurt me, but the fact of the matter is that everything will hurt. The truth is too painful. But still something deep inside knows that it is better to hurt, to grow accustomed to this, to get stronger, than to continue to pace in my small, dark, lonely room.

I doubt I am alone. It hurts to be real with myself. But is not hurt a sign of growth? Does anyone feel the same?

This is not a good way to start out a week. I'm sitting here in a computer lab on campus at 9:40am. I've been here since 9 o'clock. Why is this bad? Because I don't have to be to work until 10. Somehow my alarm clock got messed up, is one hour ahead of the rest of the world, and caused me to loose an hour of sleep. Usually this wouldn't be that big of a deal, but: 1. It's monday, things are always worse on monday. 2. I only got 3 hours of sleep the night before. Needless to say, I'm a little bit tired.

But being tired has never kept me from doing things I want to. Last night a bunch of friends went to go see 'Ice Age'. That was one of the more funny movies I have seen in a while. There's just something inherently funny about a squirrel getting thwarted in every attempt it makes to bury an acorn. Now those who are just reading this and have not seen it yet are thinking, "that's not funny sounding at all". Let me tell you, it's flippin' hilarious. It also makes it funny when you can sit and crack jokes with your friends all evening, before and after (and maybe a little during) the movie. I love my friends. Like honestly, they are the coolest human beings eer to walk the face of this earth. I am so lucky to be able to call them my friends. It's one of those things you know, that feeling when you are in a group of some of your best friends and you just kinda sit back for a second and realize how blessed you are. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. The fellowship of the family is one of the greatest things ever.

But for now I am unwillingly jarred back into the present and realize that for now I must focus. Focus on work and school. It really sucks, I hate doing school work. I know many people will say that, but I thoroughly dispize it. I just want to move on, past the work, and to the play. But of course you really can't play unless you have earned it. So now I must go earn it.

The thought came to me whilst sitting and nibbling on some food that was cooked hours before and served from under a heat lamp to me.

'in this tank of intellectuality
we are blinded to our basic needs
to search for purpose past our hollow shell
define the space between heaven and hell'

Think about all 46 odd thousand students that call the University of Florida their home. How many of those are searching for their purpose in this life? How many have found the right answer? The others are left trying to define their space in terms that cannot ever grab the scope of eternity. Their grand schemes can never reach to the heights nor depths of the Truth.

This broke my heart. Which amazed me, because it's been a while since I've been grabbed like that. Is that an inherent problem with experientially based faith? I believe so. I haven't ever really thought of myself as such but in some ways I really am. "Oh, I'm not feeling the Lord...", "If I get a sign I'll do it...", etc. Why can't I just be gripped by the simple fact that my Creator has loved me from before time and take that joy and run wild with it? Why must I demand of God like Gideon?

...and now it starts...and now it begins...I've waited too long for this...

How appropriate those lyrics are. Thank you Andrew.

Spring Break can now officially begin. No more class. No more tests. No more work. I am done, fini, over. Thank the dear Lord that I don't have to go on any further. Slacking can now start (not that it ever had stopped from some break in the past).

Unfortunately my brain never really stops working and I will continue to think and ponder on things that will perhaps put me in weird moods, states, etc. I might have stumbled upon a part of my odd feeling. I've had this separate life thing going on. I have school and all the people, activities, etc that go along with that. As such I have built incredibly strong friendships with people. I guess it's just hard when somebody from the outside doesn't feel like they are part of that at first. How do I bring together the two. I think it'll just take time and talking. Hopefully that'll happen.

But for now I am going to veg, play much guitar, and in general waste a whole week on doing nothing. I wish I could do that all the time, but I have a feeling I am soon to become one of those dreaded people who have a routined schedule and live and die by the clock. I hope it never happens but are some things not inevitable?

Between myself and freedom lies a sinister creation called midterm exams. I mean does this thing actually measure to the fullest all the information I know and have learned in a class. Perhaps if it was an essay test, an open ended question that requires analytical thought and an answer that could perhaps differ from student to student, thus meaning that I have had to process the information on my own and thus producing my own thoughts on the subject matter, I could say that it did. But this test is a multiple guess test (also known as multiple choice test, however I don't believe this accurately portray what happens during the test). 100 questions worth of singling out the most absured answers such that I have to go with the best of two evils to choose the correct answer. And of course once you get to know how to take these tests you know that you can most likely find one or two answers you didn't know hidden in an other question. How does this sufficiently show what I have learned?

Alright I might be a little bitter about having a test on the last day of classes before spring break. And maybe even because it is at 4pm as well. Who knows but it's not making me a very happy person. I just have to make it through the next 2.5 hours and I am free.

A final thing is that I am feeling something weird and I don't know what it is. There is some sort of fear/hesitation/something else that is churning deep down. Maybe I'll find out soon what it is.