It's the little things really that get to me.

Be they good or bad, it's always the little things that have that uncanny ability to find their way around my defensive wall and knock me around. Like signing in to blogger here, it never remembers who I am, but just now it did. Woah, big friggen deal you say. That's exactly my point. It isn't a big deal and yet it jumped right off the screen and gave me a hook across the jaw. I was actually coming here to rant about just something else in my life that isn't going as I have planned it too (can't everyone just follow my plan?), but something as small as this makes me think on more pleasant occasions.

Two nights ago I found myself sitting on a porch. As I watched the moths in their suicidal dance towards illumination it made me contemplate how much I really let pass me by. But not this night, I was going to live this one to the limit. I was not alone. A friend and I sat there in the half light of the sodium street lamp from across the street with a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. We talked for hours while the cheap smoke of gas station cigars rose above us, the ashes scattered about our feet, and the beer slowly but surely disappeared from the bottles. It was one of the most enjoyable nights I have had in a very long time. We small talked, we got deep with each other, and it was perfect.

I love hanging out with friends, but sometimes I must step back. I get worn out easily by the crowd, which would suprise many. Though I tend to be a rather outgoing person, I find more and more that at the heart of things I am a recluse. I find more pleasure in walking alone in the dark then spending an entire evening with my friends sometimes. I've done it before. Left the party to walk the streets in search of an answer for a question which I have not asked yet. Searching the stars for that one chance that I will see something that no one else has and that will separate me from the ordinary.

"words fall from my lips / spilling oceans on the floor / I can't seem to dam them up / I'm left with nothing more"

I feel inadequate as a writer. For some reason I like to consider myself not bad at writing verse or coming up with some deep and insightful prose sometimes. But then I have to and read other people's stuff and I feel that I am the lesser in the match up. Consider this peice I really like from a band called The Contingency Plan. "Abandon ship, cause I'm going down / You can jump first, cause I'd rather drown / These restless nights, under this brilliant sky / Is it too late to ask for a kiss goodnight?" Like how simple is that? Four lines, rhyming patter AABB, with the BB being a close rhyme. It's a simple acoustic composition and I am drawn in by it. Am I trying to be too deep, too long, etc? I don't know. But of course I am my worst critic. Maybe I'll drop some lines on here for other's viewing pleasure.

I love tests that take less than an hour to finish. There's just something about that feeling of defeating an exam that quickly. Now I must make this disclaimer, it's not that I'm a genius by any stretch of the imagination, I know too many smart people to delude myself that way, it's just that the exam was in my Ancient Egypt class. I feel bad about that class, but that's only because I wasn't able to take the enjoyment out of it that I wanted to. I wanted to just soak up egyptian history but my crazy schedule messed that up. Mostly because of work. I don't want to work five hours and then wait on campus for another hour to then sit through class. Or have class for an hour, then have two hours off (try to go home or not is a question) and then work for 4 hours. Or how about the only class on friday and it's at 4pm. Yeah, it was difficult for me to get myself there. But now it's over. I'm gonna keep the text book, cause who knows, I might just read something for enjoyment some day.

I believe that my electronic life oppositely mirrors my real life. I sit here in front of this thing the most when I need to be doing other more important things and when I really have time to make quality improvements to this site or email friends far away, etc. I don't do it. I actually was just getting back to some friends today who had written me about 12 days ago. The funny part about that is that they were replying to emails I sent out last time I was procrastinating when I should have been studying. But such has been the story of my semester. I have had some awesome times but when it got bad, it got really bad. But who could be down on such a day as this... the last day of classes for spring 2002. Once I finish my exams next thursday I do not have to torture myself with classes until next August. How beautiful is that?! Although, I am not free once school is over, because I am in dire financial need right now, so we're hoping to find a job in between now and when I leave for camp. Which is going to be incredible, but not very financially rewarding. But then again, who works at camp to make money. I sure don't. It's all about the kids. That's what gets me going. Taking these kids out hiking and canoeing and such. It's going to be life changing for the both of us. But for now I must focus. Exam 1 starts in 15 minutes. Good luck to me.

I swear that no one must like me, or that nobody really cares about what is going on in my head, or that I'm just not cool enough for people to bookmark. Call it hitcounter jealosy, I swear it has nothing to do with male insecurities, but why can't mine be larger. Why don't I have as many. I guess I'm just too much of a whiner and people get fed up with it.

I want to start off by saying that things are not really as bad as they sound. I tend to get pretty dramatic when I'm feeling down. I'm not withdrawing those statements made earlier, I just want to say that I don't just sit around being pissed when I'm at home, 'cause that's not true. I mean, it might help that I am saying this after my week of exams is over and I have nothing to do this weekend. Yeah, that might help relieve the stress a little bit.

I also can't deny that God is still working in spite of my undesired attempts to thwart his plans. Like just today I had lunch with one of my friends that I met while working in the Union. He's a student senator and president of one of the organizations up there. He's also hardcore Jewish. I love this kid to death and actually got him to say that he would come with me to Franklin Graham on Saturday. I just pray that he will stay for the whole thing. Yeah, if anyone is reading this before tomorrow at 7pm please pray for him and that God would be working in his heart. I'm guessing the big thing would be that being a christian might some how cause him to stop being jewish. I pray that doesn't enter his mind.

Man, God has also dropped some excellent conversations with old friends in my lap. Just yesterday I wound up talking on line with my friend Will who is doing a year and a half stint missions trip in Argentina. It was out of the blue that I got his screen name and he just showed up. It was so refreshing. And the day before that I found out the screen name of a guy I worked with for the past two summers at camp. He is so cool and I was missing the friendship. Again it was just random that I found out. Another friend of mine IMed me we were talking and just randomly said he was talking with this other guy. I'm like "WHAT!?" So yeah, that was just a blessing.

Man, it's good for me to type these things out too, because it keeps me aware of what the Lord is doing and how really blessed I am.

I hate feeling bad about myself. I don't think there anything more depressing than knowing that you are the cause of your own depression. I'm not sure if that made any sense but that's just the way it is. A self reciprocating cylce of depression. Things are bad, I'm not making them any better. And it sucks that nothing anyone says can help you. "Yeah, I know how you feel" is probably the single most usless statement in the world at times like this. And yet I find myself using it all the time, which does not encourage me at all. I don't really know why this is all coming down on me today, chalk it up to a shitty day I guess.

Sometimes it's hard to believe how long time can take to drift by us. A friend of mine once said that calenders remind us we are losing something precious, which I agree with, but sometimes the time you are living in isn't as precious as ones you forsee in the future. Thus I am stuck here wishing for the future and discontent with the present.

Look at it like this. When I am doing something with other people, like just hanging out with my friends, everything is ok. Get me alone by myself and I become this brooding and moody person. Thoughts like:

If I could just make it till sunrise
I just might survive
this restless night
of fighting and crying
is the morning soon on it's way"

run through my head. Which of course doesn't make me feel any better about myself. Because if I become a different person by myself then I am doing something wrong. Why can't I just be one at all times? Even if it was the more negative person that would be better than this division against myself. If that was the way I was then I would have the help of others to get me through this, but no, I have to be perfectly alright in public. I don't want to tarnish my façade. This whitewashed sepulchre, beautiful on the outside but on the inside is full of a dead man's bones and everything unclean. I can't say anymore now. Maybe later I can be more vulnerable.

I totally forgot to write about something hillarious that happened whilst we were hurling rocks down lanes yesterday. So as soon as we start bowling on come the black lights. As we all know, black lights and white clothing create this crazy effect where it seems like the cloth is glowing. Well to get to the point there was this chick a few lanes over who should have thought of what she was wearing that evening. Her white bra was glowing beneath her green shirt. It was kind of funny and henceforthe was known as, and I quote, "blacklightbra girl". Only slightly less funny was the girl who decided that she would do about a 5 step stutter before throwing the ball down the lane. I laughed every time.

I am, as a friend so poetically put it, "walking to fading stars".

welcome day

is it luck?

have you ever wondered why some of the posts are justified evenly through the column and some of them are justified to the left thus leaving the right hand side non-uniform???

What is more useful in life, sleep or surfing the internet? Well, if one chanced to check my life it might lead him/her to answer the later choice. What is it about this thing... this vast wealth of knowledge, facts, fun, and (quite unfortunately) porn... that causes you to sit cross eyed in front of your large monitor and soak in all that you can get. Oh I'll just check up on some of my favorite sites, then I'll go to bed. That's what I tell myself. Then I find myself here, 4:45am on Wednesday morning. Why the hell am I not asleep? Perhaps I'll just end up there for things done here. (Luckily that statement is false, considering my new creation status) And now I'm even wasting more time by writing, and I'll just tell you, I am not the fastest typer out there so this can take some time.

I must talk about tonight though. Why is it that the little things often mean so much to us? So instead of doing anything productive around the apartment tonight I decided to join some friends at Alley Katz and bowl to my hearts delight. Tuesday night Quarter Mania is a great thing. While they do get you with the 10 buck cover charge I was able to bowl 4 games for a good deal less than I would normally be able to. Which is a good thing, because no matter how much money you spend, if it's less that what would normally cost you it screams out "DO IT!" I couldn't help myself. Which is ok in this situation because I bowled my best round in like forever. The second game was nice to me, and after bowling a 105 the first game, I came back to score a 148, my second highest ever. Needless to say I was rather thrilled at beating my esteemed collegue Josh Doody by one pin and thoroughly ravaging my other collegue Allen Williams. I discount that Chris Bontempo was ever there because he is descended from bowling blood. That is an unfair advantage. Kin hurling large stones down a lane in one's past is cause for disqualification. But we still love you Chris.

The more I really think about it, the more I find that I have been doing everything in my power these past couple of days or week to not do anything of consequence. I have Spring Fever. School has become a canker sore to my soul. I dispise it. But unfortunately it must be done. Hopefully I can squeeze by and get the grades. I made the comment to someone earlier today that I could not really call myself a student. For while I do take classes here, I am less than studious in them. I could really care less right now. Woah, but that's gotta change or I might be in a load of crap real soon.

On a final note, it was mentioned that while reading this page a person (who shall remain nameless, but told that he/she is incredibly cool) thought that it was very dark and brooding. Well, you know what? Yeah, it is. Let's just call this Graham's outlet site. So that he can maintain sanity in the real world, he will outlet emotion in the digital one. Like I said to this person: "I live the good and write about the bad". I really hope that this just gives people a more well rounded view of myself than they would get otherwise. While sometimes things are made vague to keep this from becoming some nasty gossip page, I try to be straight up. Honestly folks, I want to be this open. It's just hard to do that face to face sometimes. Let me know how you all feel perhaps, that is, if you all want to be as good as I am... er... what am I talking about? I'm a mess. Don't try to be like me. Walk my talk and not my walk, if you understand what I'm saying. I'm trying to do the same.

'the stars have always called out my name
but the man they want never stays the same
I'm sorry to be so fragile and incomplete
I guess some things will never change'

When it rains it pours. While sitting here at work I am realizing the futility of arguing with a boss. I have to type into our computer all of the constitutions of the clubs on campus that we do not have electronically already. That means that I am in the middle of typing out around 400 constitutions. It's not only me, really. There are like 4 other students here that work with me, but the mere fact that I have to do this sucks. Why can we not just have the presidents email us a copy of their constitution? Can't tell you but the boss is being pretty gay about this whole thing. "You guys don't have any projects now, so all you do is sit around at night" What kind of explaination is that? Who Cares! That's just giving us busy work. I've never had a good tolerance for busy work and this is just knocking me right over the edge. Ok enough complaining. Back to work. (this sucks)

I really hate the spring semester. I just can never get anything to roll my way. That is, as far as school goes. I can sure tell you that I am having fun with friends and playing music and chilling and stuff. But the school juices just don't seem to be flowing. I never know why either. It's not like I do anything differently than in the fall. I'm doing all the same stuff, it's just that I'm missing a few teeth on the gears if you know what I mean. Things are spinning, but nothing's happening.

Have you ever woken up one morning and realized that you are in a desert? That you are parched and dry, but you can't remember how you got here, or even how long it's been since you have last seen any sign of life. That happened to me over break and I'm still wandering. Trying to find an oasis. Somewhere I can quench this thirst. Bring life back to my aching bones. It's like, I long to be home, but I can't find it. Even when I try to get back I take a step or two then kneel back down. It would be easier to just lay down and stop, but I know that that would be the end of it all. I am not done yet. There is and end to this place. I just need a pillar of fire.

I find myself living in a state of self denial. A place where my world is one big happy vacation while in reality things are perhaps crumbling around me. Everything is alright I tell myself. You are right where you need to be, doing the things that you need to be doing, and the world is in perfect order. Unfortunately sometimes I find myself staring at this wall I've built and find a crack. Just one small split in the deception is all that it takes. In a dark room even a pin sized hole letting in light seems like the light on the front of a train making it's way through a long tunnel. I lean over to see what is shining through, knowing the whole time that this will be the demise of my security, yet unable to stop myself. What I see is something that is disturbing but somehow very sweet. The reality outside is to my numbed senses like the first breath of fresh air after being stuck in a musty and decaying place for hours on end, or was it days? With my eye to the hole a single breath brings the wall down (was it always this weak?). Can one truly appreciate the light after living so long in the dark? I find myself curled into a ball on the floor trying to block any that could hurt me, but the fact of the matter is that everything will hurt. The truth is too painful. But still something deep inside knows that it is better to hurt, to grow accustomed to this, to get stronger, than to continue to pace in my small, dark, lonely room.

I doubt I am alone. It hurts to be real with myself. But is not hurt a sign of growth? Does anyone feel the same?

This is not a good way to start out a week. I'm sitting here in a computer lab on campus at 9:40am. I've been here since 9 o'clock. Why is this bad? Because I don't have to be to work until 10. Somehow my alarm clock got messed up, is one hour ahead of the rest of the world, and caused me to loose an hour of sleep. Usually this wouldn't be that big of a deal, but: 1. It's monday, things are always worse on monday. 2. I only got 3 hours of sleep the night before. Needless to say, I'm a little bit tired.

But being tired has never kept me from doing things I want to. Last night a bunch of friends went to go see 'Ice Age'. That was one of the more funny movies I have seen in a while. There's just something inherently funny about a squirrel getting thwarted in every attempt it makes to bury an acorn. Now those who are just reading this and have not seen it yet are thinking, "that's not funny sounding at all". Let me tell you, it's flippin' hilarious. It also makes it funny when you can sit and crack jokes with your friends all evening, before and after (and maybe a little during) the movie. I love my friends. Like honestly, they are the coolest human beings eer to walk the face of this earth. I am so lucky to be able to call them my friends. It's one of those things you know, that feeling when you are in a group of some of your best friends and you just kinda sit back for a second and realize how blessed you are. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. The fellowship of the family is one of the greatest things ever.

But for now I am unwillingly jarred back into the present and realize that for now I must focus. Focus on work and school. It really sucks, I hate doing school work. I know many people will say that, but I thoroughly dispize it. I just want to move on, past the work, and to the play. But of course you really can't play unless you have earned it. So now I must go earn it.

The thought came to me whilst sitting and nibbling on some food that was cooked hours before and served from under a heat lamp to me.

'in this tank of intellectuality
we are blinded to our basic needs
to search for purpose past our hollow shell
define the space between heaven and hell'

Think about all 46 odd thousand students that call the University of Florida their home. How many of those are searching for their purpose in this life? How many have found the right answer? The others are left trying to define their space in terms that cannot ever grab the scope of eternity. Their grand schemes can never reach to the heights nor depths of the Truth.

This broke my heart. Which amazed me, because it's been a while since I've been grabbed like that. Is that an inherent problem with experientially based faith? I believe so. I haven't ever really thought of myself as such but in some ways I really am. "Oh, I'm not feeling the Lord...", "If I get a sign I'll do it...", etc. Why can't I just be gripped by the simple fact that my Creator has loved me from before time and take that joy and run wild with it? Why must I demand of God like Gideon?

...and now it starts...and now it begins...I've waited too long for this...

How appropriate those lyrics are. Thank you Andrew.

Spring Break can now officially begin. No more class. No more tests. No more work. I am done, fini, over. Thank the dear Lord that I don't have to go on any further. Slacking can now start (not that it ever had stopped from some break in the past).

Unfortunately my brain never really stops working and I will continue to think and ponder on things that will perhaps put me in weird moods, states, etc. I might have stumbled upon a part of my odd feeling. I've had this separate life thing going on. I have school and all the people, activities, etc that go along with that. As such I have built incredibly strong friendships with people. I guess it's just hard when somebody from the outside doesn't feel like they are part of that at first. How do I bring together the two. I think it'll just take time and talking. Hopefully that'll happen.

But for now I am going to veg, play much guitar, and in general waste a whole week on doing nothing. I wish I could do that all the time, but I have a feeling I am soon to become one of those dreaded people who have a routined schedule and live and die by the clock. I hope it never happens but are some things not inevitable?

Between myself and freedom lies a sinister creation called midterm exams. I mean does this thing actually measure to the fullest all the information I know and have learned in a class. Perhaps if it was an essay test, an open ended question that requires analytical thought and an answer that could perhaps differ from student to student, thus meaning that I have had to process the information on my own and thus producing my own thoughts on the subject matter, I could say that it did. But this test is a multiple guess test (also known as multiple choice test, however I don't believe this accurately portray what happens during the test). 100 questions worth of singling out the most absured answers such that I have to go with the best of two evils to choose the correct answer. And of course once you get to know how to take these tests you know that you can most likely find one or two answers you didn't know hidden in an other question. How does this sufficiently show what I have learned?

Alright I might be a little bitter about having a test on the last day of classes before spring break. And maybe even because it is at 4pm as well. Who knows but it's not making me a very happy person. I just have to make it through the next 2.5 hours and I am free.

A final thing is that I am feeling something weird and I don't know what it is. There is some sort of fear/hesitation/something else that is churning deep down. Maybe I'll find out soon what it is.